bossanovagirl

mamarazzi in the morning

we woke up very early today. it's the day of anton's first formal portrait sitting.

(only he didn't sit because he still can't. more later.)

and what did you know, mamarazzi found the perfect photo op just before the pictorial itself:  mommy and baby were in matching white tanks!

please excuse the uncombed hair, the puffy eyes.  this is getting to be an obsession.  yes, i keep a camera by my bedside to take photos of baby first thing in the morning. why?  just because i can.  and i like to.

the light in our room this morning was just lovely.  and the bright eyes and slight smile on baby's face was just priceless. (btw, you can see daddy as a shadow in the background.)  this was taken at 7 am.

we took baby to be blown up at blow-up babies, a studio co-owned by jwt ex-officemates.  we won't get the pics till after a week, sadly.  i could hardly wait.

i had to give in and let anton pose as an angel.  because i didn't quite picture him in a teacup, in a tray of eggs (or were that balls?), or as a bug in the garden.  he looks too cocky and smug for that.

was not even too sure of the angel wings.  but i didn't have much choice. since i was having him shot in a "Creative baby photo studio in Gateway Mall, Cubao, Quezon City" (as the studio advertises itself), i thought i might as well avail of the props and backgrounds they have. (it cost me half of my meager university professor's monthly salary to do so, too.)

since yesterday, i've been letting him look at himself in the mirror to practice smiling.  of course, he had no idea he was practicing smiling. 

had wanted to book an early afternoon shoot, but they were all booked up for the afternoon, so i had no choice but take the 11 am session.  was worried that since anton will miss his noontime nap (which starts at around 10), he will be cranky.

so i gave him a bath at 8 am, an hour earlier than usual.  i used this trick on the day of his christening.  after his bath, you see, he likes to play a bit, then have milk till he falls asleep.  his noontime nap usually lasts three hours.  it worked on the day of his christening. he was good--all cooey and smiley even without a nap all afternoon, because he had slept a full three hours, but this morning we weren't as lucky. ever since he turned 5 months, he'd been very playful in the mornings lately, so the length of his naps as well as the number of his feedings have changed. 

needless to say, he was a cranky baby at the shoot.  and it didn't help that the angel wings seemed too heavy for him.  we had him lying on his tummy because he still can't sit by himself.  he'd been spending time on his tummy a lot lately, especially as he's already developed a technique to rolling over. but this morning he struggled to keep his head up.  so we guessed the wings were heavy.  and the smiling practice in front of the mirror were all useless.  he smiled, only once.  and his face was turned from the camera because he was looking at the photographer's assistant who was propping him up.

will post the pics here as soon as i get them.

hmmm.

for the fourth time already, i've been told by friends that my blog is like a teleserye.

now, i'm not sure...is that good, or bad?

is it like a teleserye because it is absorbing?  or is it a teleserye because it is melodramatic?

is it that obvious that i have nothing to blog today?

hmmm.

from my friend N

N, i hope you don't mind, i found this too beautiful to keep to myself. :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
aawwhhh, may...i wish i can hug you too right now.  i miss you too, my dear friend.  it didn't seem so long ago when we would talk hours on end about about my life's "issues".  remember, back during our JWT days of yore, i had these conflicting emotions about moving to j. romero (wow, that was ages upon ages ago, right?) over the phone, you were cheering me on about my decision to leave JWT, and before we wrapped up, you told me about the story "hope for the flowers" and the whole part of them going through their metamorphosis to become the beautiful creatures that they are... which leads us to... you're right, our own metamorphosis ;-)

and like the caterpillars ridding of their old skin, you too, can: "...reassess our priorities and take only what was essential before we continued any further in our journey together. rid of baggages, i am now indeed beginning to feel hopeful about the things that are to come."

when you think about it, we are really no longer the wide-eyed nenes of JWT days of long ago, but i think i am glad despite the "struggles" from the cocoon and all, i like myself better now -- haha, i think ;-)  and c'mon, what wonderful butterflies we've become!  really!

i hope this lightens up your day, may -- tawa ka na please.  but the "wonderful butterflies" part is for real ;-)  seriously.

i am glad that you thought of me during this milestone in your life.  i have to tell you also, how you continue to inspire me from half-way around the world (gosh, i wish i took more pictures just like you did -- or had a belly cast -- that would definitely blow K away).  and though it may seem like i'm out of touch, i do try to catch up with your blog, which has also become some kind of a "teleserye" for me.  a break from the usual grind --  a little bit of "life outside".  actually, i find it so awesome how you've kept this journal, and yes, how i wish i can do the same.  but with two jobs, i am (for the moment) glad with finding the time to catch up with friends like you.  but a blog in the future would be even better.

lastly, dear may, i promise you, you will find yourself reassured with all the good things that will come from this decision you made (...with A, of course), because it was a choice made from good intentions and unconditional love ;-) until here for now. 

thanks for keeping in touch dear may.  warm regards! HUGs, -- N

Re: re moving :-)

dear N,

so sorry for the late reply;  have been very busy the past few days to go online i had only enough time to read your e-mail the other day.

N, you have no idea what a treat it was to find your e-mail in my inbox.  :)

i have to make a confession.  ever since the moving idea started, i'd always thought of you.

the idea of moving was, of course, very daunting, given some factors:
1.  the decision was sudden.  we made it a couple of days before anton was discharged from the hospital (he stayed a total of five days for his pneumonia);
2.  i was about to go back to teaching after my maternity leave, and because i had just given birth and had exclusively breastfed baby for the first three months, had not really been able to prepare to go back to teaching;
3.  we were downgrading from a three bedroom apartment into just one room in my parents' house;
4.  though it was a unanimous decision of A's and mine, i was not really sure how A will get along with my parents and siblings and vice versa.

but i told myself you had to make a tougher decision--and i'd even told A about this, when you decided to move your family to the states. (i don't think we've ever talked about vito cruz, or if ever, i might have already forgotten.  but yes, i agree; i could have related to that experience of yours better.)

i took inspiration from your determination, and strength of will to leave the things you loved behind.  and it really didn't help that packing my stuff into the suitcase you'd previously owned (btw, it still looks as new as when i bought it from you), and hauling my things up into my mother's attic where your batibot chairs are parked (we use them whenever we have parties in the garden)--everything just unavoidably and inevitably reminded me of you, hahaha.

dear wise old N--yes, i know you are younger, but i think you are an ancient soul--how else can you come up with a gem like this?

"i guess what i really wanted to share with you is that, moving becomes essential when you consider your circumstances and priorities.  but at the same time, looking back, it is when one can learn so much about what matters most in life."

like what i've told A in one of my more lucid moments, maybe the moving was our opportunity to reassess our priorities and take only what was essential before we continued any further in our journey together. rid of baggages, i am now indeed beginning to feel hopeful about the things that are to come.

i cried what i think is my last cry about it early this evening when A told me that he felt so sad to see the apartment now really empty. (the caretaker had already cleaned it). i'm so glad i didn't see it. or i might start feeling weepy even about that mangy dog in our compound.

hahaha.  i agree with you.  A and anton are really beginning to look alike, 'no? anton is such a funny baby--he seems like a very old soul trapped in a baby's body.  i think he was only a baby for at least two weeks. he seems very impatient to grow up.

you don't know how much i miss you right now and wish i could hug you. i really miss talking to you, N. i'm so happy you read my blogs.  i really wish you also keep one yourself so i can also update myself on you.

thank you so much for your letter.

:) may

goodbye, house.

heto...last na talaga, pramis. 

tinamaan ako ng nostalgia.  it was uncannily like the first night we moved in.  we didn't have a bed yet, and so we slept on the floor, on a banig and a comforter, and woke up the next morning with aching backs.  now, our bed is already in antipolo, and here we are again, on the floor, on a banig again, but this time there was no more quilted comforter, because i'd already packed and brought all of them to antipolo.

the kiss

discoveries

baby has just discovered something...

that he can scream!

he'd actually discovered it last week, just before bedtime, when he let out two short and shrill ones, after each of which he cocked an eyebrow and pursed his lips, as if carefully considering whether or not he liked his newfound skill.

for weeks now, he had been closely studying his hands. after he'd put them in his mouth he clasped them together and turned them slowly--with brows knitted--he looked at them, with same intensity that can only be matched, perhaps, by one who is busily mastering a rubiks cube. and inevitably, after those examinations, his eyes would grow bigger and wider, with some new epiphany from the glistening, wet, drippy fingers held against the light.

and now, he has also discovered that he can reach out and control his hands to poke (versus grab) at anything that interests him. tonight, for instance, it was my face.

everytime he would reach out and touch a part of my face--most usually he hit me on the nose--i cried "ouch" and pretended to be taken aback.  he seemed to find that really funny, because he chuckled a lot. he looked at my reaction, smiled his wide, toothless bungisngis smile and  shrieked in excitement. and before i knew it, he started screaming. 

at first he just seemed to be practicing. and he experimented with volume.

and when he finally seemed to get the hang of it, he was screaming consistently.  and he would smile after every one he let out, apparently enjoying the sound of his voice.  he looked like he was really so thrilled that he can control his vocal chords like that.

now mommy has to contend with a baby that happily screams himself to sleep at bedtime.  for the moment at least, till he discovers another wonderful and exciting thing about himself.

teething time

this is not anton;  it's an image from getty  :)

my poor baby's been very cranky the past two days. i suspect his teeth are beginning to bother him already. he'd just turned 5 months yesterday.

in the space of just a few days, my baby's been coming up with milestones too many for me to keep track of, i'm afraid.  he's been experimenting mouthing vowels--he seems to enjoy listening to himself make the sounds--some random-sounding, and some just too consistent to be dismissed as meaningless babble, like "a boyo boyo gee gee oh".

and after that first time he rolled over to his tummy, he's been doing it (albeit still with difficulty because he has a fat little tummy, heehee) too often we now want to teach him other things already. 

over the past week, he's learned to dance, plant slobbery wet kisses on people's cheeks, on his grandpa and grandma's hands,  alternately stand up and sit down--and yes, spit. 

as much as i want to hold on to the days to savor his moments as a baby,  i'm afraid anton is growing up way too fast.

of goodbyes.

"my kingdom's gone." (A is SO gonna kill me for this!)

A said that was the thought that formed in his head the other night when he stepped out of our old apartment to smoke.  he slept there that night to finish packing our things.  we take turns, because we're both very busy with our demanding jobs. i do my share after my afternoon classes everyday because that's the only time i could give to it before i hurry home to antipolo to breastfeed anton.

he had always jokingly referred to our apartment, you see, as his kingdom.

throughout his adult life he had shared houses with relatives, then later ex- philippine collegian colleagues.  unlike me, who comes from an even bigger family (i have 5 siblings versus his 2), but who'd invariably lived alone and at most lived with one sister in a condo, he'd never had a place wholly to himself. a place the stuff of which he all owned and not had to share.

that is, till our apartment.

for instance, A had made my vintage blue suede high-back wing chair his own. even i who found it in an antique store in kamuning, and obsessed over it till i got it, never sat on it again because he and the chair seemed MFEO (made for each other). i don't think A has sat in any other chair in the living room except that chair in the two years we were in that apartment.  and now that we'd sold most of our things, it's the only thing that was left for him to sleep on.  poor A.  he didn't want to use the exercise mat (the only other option) because the apartment's been too dusty after we'd turned it inside out and upside down for the move.

from this chair he used to control his large screen TV, and one could easily imagine why A felt like a king. who wouldn't, if one were in his position?  it's a really comfy chair.

and when he came home nights, it took him some time to get used to dinner waiting for him--with the correct table setting yet--because when he was single, he used to cook his dinner or he dined out in the places around his neighborhood.  those actually were the first times i'd heard him refer to the apartment as his "kingdom".  and i felt so happy, to think i made him feel like a king sometimes, somehow. (we didn't have a maid even when i was pregnant with anton.)

and now for anton, he's giving it up.  it was the first time i'd heard him be sentimental about it.  i was always the weepy one, who couldn't gather her wits about her early enough when it mattered to be systematic about preparing for the move.  A was always the cool, matter-of-fact one who always comforted me patiently and reminded me of the reasons why we were doing it.

this time, however, it was my turn.  i reassured him it will only be for the meantime, till we find our own house.

somehow, with that thought, i convinced even myself that it wasn't that bad at all.

and feeling sentimental myself, i told him that for as long as we were together, any place will be home for me.

SOLD.

just yesterday, i was getting frustrated that there seemed to be no takers for the things we were selling. just this afternoon, it was wiped out.  well, almost. thanks to A.  i think he's a much better salesperson than i am.  and it helps he's forever an optimist.

i didn't know that selling your old stuff could give you such a rush. at one point, suddenly, i was running out of things to sell, and i just wished there were more things i could bring out and sell.

i am really a bad salesperson.  i kept forgetting the prices of all of the items, when i was the one who came up with the list--with the old and new prices compared, even. but it doesn't matter.  at least i got to meet the people who will provide new homes for our things. and i hope they will be happy with them.

one by one while the pieces were being taken out and loaded into their new owners' vehicles, to me they suddenly seemed like new again.  i remember the time when my dad finally had to sell our blue taurus--his very first car which he bought when i was a baby--i had felt the same way. 

my dad had had the taurus for years, till i think the youngest was born (we are six siblings). so you could just imagine the wear and tear the years and our collective weight (my dad and mom, six kids) had inflicted on the little car. i used to be so embarrassed of the car, especially because my dad would always drop me off at my school on his way to his morning assignment as a lay minister at our church. i'd much preferred the 5 minute walk taking the short cut through rustia street which crossed the creek. 

the pathetic car looked battered and rusty, and even lopsided. that time my dad finally decided to get rid of it (he had already bought a second-hand ford galant), it had been sitting unused in the apartment compound's garage gathering dust, dry leaves and bird droppings . but that morning when the tow truck came to take it away, it surprisingly did not look half as bad as i'd always thought. 

and what i remember thinking back then, as the truck towed it down Virginia street, was how so sorry i was to see it go, and how incredibly, vividly blue it was.

daddy A

got a message in my inbox today.  it's from a friend, whose son is A's godchild.  he says he reads this blog (oops!) and, although he never comments, he says my entries about anton are like his morning teleserye. the reason i mention this is because he pointed out one thing: where is A in all these?  he joked that he hoped that i'm not raising the baby by myself.

rest assured, J. your friend A is a wonderful dad.

and i just realize i might have done him terrible injustice by not writing about it.

A took his job seriously from day one.  he started being a dad ever since we learned that we were pregnant.  he read my books almost from cover-to-cover (miriam stoppard's "conception, pregnancy and birth" and the classic "what to expect when you're expecting", and dr. uzzi reiss' "how to keep a pregnant woman happy") , then also read some more i bought especially for him (on being an expectant dad).  and when he was done with all of those, he went ahead and bought some more specifically on raising and parenting boys. (which i honestly thought was too advanced reading.)

best of all, he accompanied me to at least 70% of all my prenatal check-ups (the times he couldn't go, it was because he had an early coverage). he held my hand and kept me company during the agonizing long waits for the consultation, and he even took videos of the ultrasound sessions. throughout the pregnancy,the birth and after, he was supportive of all my decisions--the changing of OB's (from Php 150/consultation to Php 500) and the consequent move from capitol medical to the more pricey asian hospital, my insistence on his attendance at the delivery (one of the reasons we moved--my OB in capitol doesn't allow husbands in the delivery room), and the patient wait for my milk to come which had meant starving the baby for five days because we wouldn't give him formula milk in our desire to breastfeed exclusively.

i did not have a difficult pregnancy. as a matter of fact i was even driving to Makati from QC and back, and was working on a project a couple of days before giving birth (now it can be told i was doing freelance work on the olay launch print ads). except for the really scary swelling in my legs, i was such a low maintenance pregnant woman that i somehow regretted not having made A work harder or indulge me more, except during the time i craved for a dark chocolate-coated ice cream bar. (although in fairness, he always asked if i craved for anything.  he was lucky i was very mababaw.  i only craved--from time to time--a hot fudge sundae from mcdo.)

and when anton came, A was a very eager and quick study. in no time he learned how to carry, dress, change the nappy (although his big hands were awkward because anton was so tiny), calm down and put the baby to sleep. this is why anton's first week was so memorable; his dad's rare leave from work was spent taking care of him and mommy.

and when he went back to work the next week, he would text me how he missed us both.  as soon as he arrived from work, he would head straight for the alcohol and disinfect his hands and arms so he can hold anton.

i remember the first time we noticed anton seeming able to see clearly, he had followed A with his eyes as he walked from one end of the room to the other.

anton is growing up too fast.  he recognizes faces already.  he lights up when he sees me arrive from work at the end of the day.  but there is no mistaking the joy on his face when he sees his dad arrive from work.  anton's eyes widen and he kicks his legs and holds out his chubby hands.  and when A picks him up, anton coos and nuzzles his face contentedly against his dad's chest.

and just before anton falls asleep, even when he was only a couple of months old, anton would look up to his dad's face as they are lying side by side on the bed--all quiet, big  round eyes unblinking--and it is always the sweetest moment for me. 

anton just adores his dad.

and i think the feeling is mutual.